07/04/2024
They want you but do they want to make you happy?
Disclaimer: This writing is about people looking for a romantic relationship. If both parties clearly and explicitly are not looking for that, much of this writing may not apply.
So, someone has reached out to you and they are obviously interested in starting some kind of a dynamic. Will this go well or will it end in heartbreak? What are the signs that you should be looking for? How do you see through the bull, the pics, the flirting and the lust?
I would propose that you consider the following:
Someone who actually has the desire to create a healthy romantic relationship with you would be considering the following:
1: How do I get this person to like me and, ultimately, engage in a dynamic with me?
2: How will I make this person happy once we are in a dynamic?
By contrast, the person who is only interested in getting submission, erotic pleasure or excitement from you will only be considering the following:
1: How do I get this person to like me and, ultimately, engage in a dynamic with me?
As you can see, they are not concerned with the question of how to make you happy. This is a significant problem because happiness is, after all, the primary reason why you are looking for a relationship.
So, let’s look at question number 2: Are they thinking about how they will make you happy?
Well, in order for them to make you happy, 2 things have to be in place.
A: Ability
B: Desire
Let’s look at ability first. The things that will seriously hamper their ability to make you happy are the following:
1: Geography. They simply live too far from you. How on earth are they ever going to offer you a physical relationship? I guess there are grey areas to this question, because people in small towns simply don’t have anyone to talk to that is geographically close to them and, let’s face it, we all get lonely sometimes. However, if they have given no thought to how they would actually meet up with you, there is a problem. If they live in a highly populated area, why on earth are they not talking to people who they can actually meet up with? Do you really want to commit to a relationship with someone who is happy to subject you to just missing them all the time, without the pleasures and memories that an actual face-to-face relationship can offer?
2: Commitment. They are already in a committed relationship and they have no plans to change that. There are people who habitually and callously looks for fun outside a stable and happy relationship with a partner who actively tries to meet their needs. We call these people serial cheaters and you should avoid them at all costs. If they do it with you they will do it to you and they will be telling their next conquest how terrible you were. I would like to point out that some people do engage in affairs in order to give them the courage and inspiration to get out of a relationship that is not working and I actually endorse this. But in these cases, the person wants to leave the existing relationship. Please just be careful and realize that, even if they are done with their existing relationship, they still have a period of mourning and healing to go through and you can easily end up getting hurt.
3: Compatibility. Their fetishes and yours simply don’t align. So, clearly neither of you will be able to give each other the plays that you desire. The most obvious example is that a Master will be frustrated by how independent a bottom (i.e. not a slave) is, and the bottom will get frustrated by the Master’s demands. Or the person pursuing you is a Top and you are a slave. That will simply not work. If someone’s fetishes are clearly not aligned with yours but they still pursue you, it’s because they don’t care about your fetishes.
Next, let’s look at point B: Desire. Do they have the desire to make you happy?
To see whether your happiness is a priority to them, I would recommend that you keep an eye out for the following red flags:
1: They have no interest in you as a person, in what makes you tick. In your little victories and your demons. What are the things that you enjoy? The don’t care, they just enjoy erotic conversation. What are your interests? The don’t care, they just want your body. What made you happy today? Doesn’t matter to them, can they get a leg over tonight?
2: It’s all about them. Some people are just self-centered. I don’t know if a narcissist can change, but I know that they should actively be trying. If someone is just self-centered, you will always feel unimportant to them and you will be desperately unhappy.
3: They are talking to multiple people. This is a hard one, because none of us want to be jealous. However, if someone is actively pursuing you and keeping their options open with a few other people as well, maybe they are just not in a place where they can offer you a relationship. I am a little old-fashioned sometimes, so to me a guy who is talking to multiple people online in the modern age is the same as some Victorian gentleman who calls on a number of ladies. We would typically call someone like that a cad, and they are bad news. You deserve someone who’s soul lights up when you call. You want to be a priority, not an option.
4: The conversation is shallow and/or only sexual. Does this person really listen to your deepest fears? Can you open up to them? Do they encourage you to open up? Do they open up to you? I believe that a person who is really interested in making you happy will actively be seeking a deep connection with you. If you are looking for a deep connection but they are not, it is not going to work.
5: They try to be the best version of themselves for you and they fight their demons for you. So, here I want to differentiate between PRESENTING the best version (i.e. a front) and BEING the best version. This person should really be working on themselves where possible and necessary. I do understand that we all have issues like weight, poverty, mental health, physical health etc. But ideally, you should expect your partner to tame their demons so that they do not devour you, because some of them can. If they are not taking responsibility for their demons (Substance abuse, gaming addiction, covert narcissism, attachment issues, etc.) then their ability to make you happy is incredibly limited. I believe that people can improve themselves if they really want to, and they should want to for you.
6: They are using you as a stop-gap. If you are clearly not what they are looking for but they still pursue you or lead you on, there is a good probability that they are just using the relationship to tide them over and they see it as being temporary until they can find something better. This means that they are willing to risk hurting you just so they can feel better. An example of this is if you are a rebound or you are actually just a s**g but they lead you to believe that they have feelings for you. Please, realize your own value and know that you are deserve better than that.
7: Manipulation. This is dangerous one and usually the hardest to spot because people who do it take care to hide it, like a hunter stalking their prey. This phenomenon would require a whole discussion on its own but luckily a lot has been written about it. I would like to impress upon you the following: If your own happiness is important to you and if you are looking for a romantic partner, it is your responsibility to educate yourself about both OVERT AND COVERT NARCISSISM and about tell-tale signs of a manipulator. You will find that most people who have experienced it take the time to learn about it because they see how devastating it can be. Learn from their mistakes.
So, these are the things that I could come up with but I am sure there are more. I would love inputs on this because I probably didn’t get all the signs. If you have something to add or debate, please do so in the comments so that we can all learn together.
I think the question of your happiness is a very important one to consider in the early stages of contact, before you start attaching and get blinded by limerence. Also, remember that you yourself can do a lot to increase your chances of being happy in relationships. It is said that luck is to be found at the crossroads of opportunity and preparation, so put in the preparation. Work on your demons, especially the one called insecurity because it is a relationship killer. I have recently found the field of study called ‘Attachment theory’, which deals with attachment styles and childhood trauma and I can definitely recommend a look.
I am learning more and more that happy relationships do not just happen by chance. A very, very small percentage of people seem to just strike it lucky when they are young and grow old together but for most of us, it requires considerable effort to figure out what we are doing wrong and how to correct it. You should put in the work and you should find someone who also puts the work in.
