01/11/2023
The Most Common Reasons for Divorce
1. Too Much Conflict, Incessant Arguing
According to psychologist Dr. Howard Markman, "How you handle conflict is the single most important predictor of whether your marriage will survive." Constant conflict, bitter battles, and going to bed angry every night are no one’s idea of a healthy marriage.
How long could you stick it out when your home – which is supposed to be your place of peace and release from the daily grind – is more stressful than your worst day at work? In a good marriage, your spouse is your partner, your shelter from the storm, and your number-one cheerleader when you’re down.
In a high-conflict marriage, your spouse is as emotionally dangerous as a terrible boss. Unless interrupted by marriage counseling or therapy, this negative spiral will continue downward until the only place left to go is divorce.
2. Lack of Commitment
A happy and healthy marriage requires commitment from both spouses. Unfortunately, it only takes one spouse with a lack of commitment to the relationship to doom the marriage. If one partner isn’t fully committed to the other, then the marriage will eventually suffer.
Sometimes, the spouse who is still committed to the relationship believes they can singlehandedly save their marriage if they work harder at it. After all, if they put in 200% while their spouse puts in 0%, that equals 100% – right?
When their marriage inevitably ends, after the shock and disbelief have worn off, their rage at being used and taken for granted during the relationship may lead to a very difficult divorce.
3. Infidelity / Extramarital Affairs
Being cheated on by the person who vowed to remain faithful to you forever is a bitter pill to swallow, and most people consider this to be an unforgivable offense. Infidelity doesn’t always lead to divorce, but it does destroy how you see your relationship.
Discovering that your spouse has been engaging in an extramarital affair makes you ask three questions:
Can my marriage survive this betrayal?
Can I ever trust my spouse/partner again?
Am I willing to work on my marriage, or is my partner’s infidelity the last straw?
The answer to these questions depends on whether both of you are willing and able to repair your relationship – almost certainly with the help of a marriage and family therapist (MFT).
To rescue your relationship, you will have to forgive your partner – and your partner will have to make a genuine apology and commit to taking action to end their cheating ways for good. If you have been drifting apart, focus on reconnecting rather than pointing fingers and playing the blame game.
4. Lack of Emotional and / or Physical Intimacy
Emotional and physical intimacy “grease the wheels” of a smooth-running relationship. When they’re gone, however, serious relationship issues often take their place.
Communication breakdown, anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness, infidelity, and greatly diminished self-esteem are some of the most serious issues – and left untreated, they can irreparably damage a relationship and pave the road to divorce.
When emotional intimacy is low or non-existent, your s*x life will probably suffer as well. When you feel emotionally distant or disconnected from your spouse, your marriage may become a s*xless one. To reignite the spark, try to remember why you fell in love with your spouse and make a conscious effort to view them through those lenses.
Also, think about what you used to love doing together and carve out time to do those things together again. Spending quality time doing something you both enjoy can help to rebuild emotional intimacy, which can lead to physical intimacy.
Emotional and physical intimacy is like super-glue to strengthen your love and marriage bonds.
5. Communication Problems Between Partners
A breakdown in the lines of communication is one of the biggest predictors of divorce. Couples who don’t communicate well cannot resolve issues together and tend to suffer more misunderstandings and hurt feelings than those who have learned how to resolve conflict respectfully.
Good communication is physical as well as verbal, and it is required for almost everything in a good relationship, including s*x, a couple’s finances, whether or not to have children, areas of disagreement, and other sensitive topics unhappy couples deem too dangerous to discuss.
An inability to communicate turns problem-solving sessions into shouting matches, which will eventually kill love, intimacy, and respect in your relationship. To make it through the inevitable tough times, you must be willing and able to talk about what’s wrong or not working and decide together how to resolve these issues.
According to Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach Dr. Edward Dreyfus: “Being able to communicate well requires both good transmission skills (articulation) and good receptive skills (listening). Without both, communication will be at best difficult.”
6. Domestic Violence: Abuse by a Partner or Parent
Domestic violence can include any act of tangible or threatened abuse – including verbal, physical, s*xual, emotional, and/or economic abuse. In such a relationship, one person gains or maintains power over their partner via a pattern of abusive behavior.
This abuse can be directed solely at a spouse, or it can also involve one or more children of the marriage. If you or your children are in immediate danger, call 911 now!
7. Opposing Values or Morals
There have been literal wars fought over differences in race, religion, nationality, and culture – and persecution based on all of these plus gender, s*xuality, and even which political party someone supports.
When two spouses have or develop opposing values and/or morals, and neither has the ability or willingness to see things from their spouse’s point of view, the marriage is likely to end in divorce.
She believes in a woman’s right to choose and he believes life begins at conception; his best friend is gay and his wife is homophobic; they fell in love despite their religious difference, but those differences are tearing them apart now that they have children.
When you’re in love, you tend to overlook or rationalize red flags that your core values and morals are too different for a healthy relationship – but when the rose-colored glasses come off, those differences make it difficult or impossible to sustain a happy marriage.
8. Addiction: Alcohol, Drugs, Gambling, or S*x
There are many different types and degrees of addiction, and many top professionals – politicians, businesspeople, doctors, lawyers, portfolio managers, actors, and athletes, to name a few – have been able to hide their addiction successfully as they rose to the top.
Their spouses may be blissfully unaware, willing to look the other way in return for lifestyle/economic benefits, or gaslighted into believing they’re crazy to suspect their spouse’s addiction. No matter how the moment of truth arrives, it is always shattering.
Whether the marriage can survive depends on several factors – including the addict’s willingness and ability to take responsibility for their addiction, a genuine desire to seek treatment, and a lifelong commitment to recovery.
9. Absence of Romantic Intimacy or Love
This one is far too common given how busy and stressful our lives are – especially when you add driving the kids to football/hockey/baseball/ballet/orchestra/theater/choir practice before and after school into the mix.
Too many couples prioritize everything except their relationships, and then one partner is blindsided when the other says, “I want a divorce.” Contrary to popular belief, romantic love is not self-sustaining: without carving out quality time for intimacy and fun as a couple – not just as a family – love withers like a plant without water or sunshine.
Create a weekly carved-in-stone date night. For example, go to bed or wake up earlier and use the time for daily physical (cuddling and/or s*x) and emotional intimacy. Remember what you loved doing while you were dating, then start doing those things again before it’s too late!
10. One Spouse not Carrying Their Weight in the Marriage
We all know marriages like this: both spouses work full-time, but only one of them takes responsibility for grocery shopping and cooking, household chores, and child-rearing.
Over time, the spouse whose work doesn’t end when they get home can build up a powerful resentment against the other, and unless the situation is addressed and rectified, the marriage could spiral down into divorce.
Sit down and list everything that needs to be done to keep the household running smoothly. Then place a name beside each task, making sure to divide the chores equitably. Don’t forget to add your children’s names to tasks they are old enough to tackle or help with – from setting the table to washing the dishes to mowing the lawn to vacuuming the carpets.
